Pawshion Police: Slimming Edition

 

Izzy: Greetings all you broomsticks and fluffy bears.

Elsa: I’m lost. Witches and stuffed animals?

Izzy: Noooooo.

Elsa: Janitors and hibernating animals?

Izzy: Nooooo. I could have said, “Greetings all you Losers and Gainers.”

Elsa: Clearer, yet more offensive.

Izzy: I’m just talking about all those annoying people with high metabolisms and those of us who choose to cushion our butts with a little layer of fluff.

Elsa: Oh, Izzy.. you look wonderful and I can barely see any of that Thanksgiving weight.

Izzy: Barely???? Barellllly? You mean you CAN see SOME weight… but BARELY! What the heck, Elsa? What kind of friend are you?

Elsa: An honest friend. And what I really mean is that you are beautiful at any weight!

Izzy: Screw you.

Elsa: Izzy!!

Izzy: I can see a little pumpkin pie on your butt too, you know.

Elsa: Can you?

Izzy: No. I just want to be mean to you.

Elsa: Well, I do have a little “pumpkin pie” down there, as you so crudely put it. But I’m glad that you don’t notice it. You don’t really notice it, do you?

Izzy: No. But we are a masters of disguise. We know how to put fashion to work for us to hide all those lumps and bumps and drumsticks.

Elsa: There are some tricks for hiding those extra holiday pounds.

Izzy: The trick is to wear a tent or a fashionable barrel. Or do as I do and buy a skinny mirror.

Elsa: Or you could eat sensibly and exercise.

Izzy: I don’t always exercise but when I do, I do it tomorrow. It’s not practical to be skinny through the holidays. All those skinny people are all about the black magic, if you ask me.

Elsa: Well, you’re right in a way. Black is a very slimming color… it is almost like magic. Here’s a great example.

 

Izzy: Oh, Ruby, you are one gorgeous hussy!

Elsa: Okay. I agree on the gorgeous part.

Izzy: Black is super slimming and she looks like one skinny bitch in this photo. Another cool fashion magic trick is to use the power of the vertical stripe, which she is also doing.

Elsa: I love the contrast of the black and white with the pop of a necklace from @frenchbullevard! So fashionable!

Izzy: And she is representing!!! I love the French bulldog patch on the tuuk!

Elsa: This outfit is perfect for these chilly months too.

Izzy: According to you, with all the extra holiday pounds I’ve packed-on I should be able to run around naked and not freeze.

 

Elsa: Here’s another good example of how to disguise those extra pounds.

Izzy: She’s licking her lips! It looks like she was just sampling some of the good stuff.

Elsa: Pretty little Penny is playing with proportions here and doing an expert job.

Izzy: I wonder what she was eating.

Elsa: That doesn’t really matter right now.

Izzy: We’re more concerned with her fashion.

Izzy: You might be more concerned with her fashion, but I’m rather concerned with what goodie I might have missed out on.

Elsa: Penny draws our attention to her beautiful face by wearing a scarf with a fun print and a beautiful bit of bling.

Izzy: Draws our attention away from the donuts she’s eating and the half rack of ribs she is storing in her ass.

Elsa: That turned rather quickly…. why are you so cranky?

Izzy: I’m hangry and she’s holding out on me.

Elsa: Aside from your obvious obsession with food, I think we can agree that this is not only a very chic outfit, but it’s slimming as well.

Izzy: Fine. Whatever.

Elsa: Look at this beautiful little lovely. I can’t imagine that she has an ounce of fat on her body that she needs to hide.

 

Izzy: That bitch stole my sweatshirt. Can’t she read that it says “Queen” all over it?

Elsa: You aren’t the only one who identifies as a queen.

Izzy: Didn’t she see my Halloween costume? Doesn’t she know that I’m the queen. The ONLY queen around here?

Elsa: You are quite hostile today. Do you think that maybe this might not be YOUR sweatshirt? Did it happen to occur to you that this might have been purchased with her in mind?

Izzy: Then why does it have my name on it?

Elsa: I don’t see Izzy on there anywhere?

Izzy: What a bitch.

Elsa: Honey, look at her size. Look at your size. There is no way, even with a stick of butter strapped to your side, that you would fit into this hoodie.

Izzy: You BITCH!

Elsa: I’m not saying that you’re obese and even if you were, beauty comes in all sizes and shapes. Beauty comes in all colors and….

Izzy: Quit blowing sunshine up my butt…

Elsa: Let’s get back to this lovely look, shall we?

Izzy: I guess she looks okay.

Elsa: She looks fantastic! I particularly love that she wearing the hood up. The dark color around her face emphasizes her eyes so beautifully.

Izzy: I guess the necklace is pretty nice. At least it doesn’t say, “Queen” on there.

Elsa: Yes, isn’t that a lovely charm!?! So personal and so bold.

Izzy: Yass.

Elsa: The jacket is cut just perfectly to accentuate her figure too. Jackets that are cut at hip length and that aren’t too baggy will actually make you a lot slimmer and sleeker. Nicely done.

Izzy: I guess so. But I also have to give props to our next look.

 

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Elsa: I guess that is one way to disguise a few extra pounds, but I don’t think this is the most fashionable choice.

Izzy: If you lived in Japan you’d be singing a different tune!

Elsa: While this is a lovely kimono for ceremonial purposes, I don’t think it’s an appropriate fashion choice for those trying to hide a few extra holiday pounds.

Izzy: I think she could hide a whole turkey under there.

Elsa: She has a darling face. Too bad there is so much going on around it that the loveliness gets lost under all the layers, patterns and colors.

Izzy: I bet I could hide three whole chickens under there.

Elsa: I guess everyone has to have a goal.

Izzy: Silly Elsa, that is only one of my goals.

Elsa: My goal is to get through the rest of this show without offending more viewers, Miss Crankypants.

Izzy: I feel insults coming on, so maybe we ought to end this right now.

Izzy and Elsa: Stay fabulous, Fashionistas!

 

For more Pawshion Police, click here. And, be sure to tune in every Friday for your weekly dose of fashion and sass!

 

To be considered for a Pawshion Police review, please submit your photos to pawshionpolice@gmail.com.

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Izzy the Frenchie

Izzy the Frenchie has become a well-known voice in canine fashion. She gained instant fame when her "bath" video was aired on NBC's Today Show, NBC News with Lester Holt, CBS, ABC, Right this Minute | The Viral Videos Show and the Channel 9 News in Australia. She divides her time between Washington, DC, New York City and the Hamptons.